Godwinks

 I had a Godwink today. I'm not sure if I've had one before. I probably have but today it was clear me.

I started a new councelor today. It was supposed to be last week but it was cancelled. 

With my disability I haven't driven in over 20 years. It's been becoming something that I'm not happy about. But I'm also independent even if I can't be sometimes, I wanna be.

So I've been putting off riding a Kats bus or a med ride. But I also really don't want to inconvenience anyone. So I finally set up a med ride. Last week I was very nervous. Was having lots of anxiety about it. 

Today wasn't as bad with the anxiety. But when the time came my driver was a sweet girl who was very helpful. Then she asked me if I used to date a certain someone in highschool. 

I chuckled darkly and said, "oh my gosh, yes I did." This person she asked me about I have referred to as the biggest mistake of my life. I have said it several times over the last few months. 

I've been trying to better myself and when doing so you look back at your past and see ways you've chosen wrong. You know, in hopes of not repeating bad patterns. 

Anyway, so the young lady then tells me, he's my brother. Oh! "What was your name again?" I asked. And sure enough I remember her well. I spent a lot of time with her family. And she was usually close by whenever I was there. She was only about 6 years old then and she remembers me as well. 

I was greatful that it was her giving me this first ride. She was very helpful and I wasn't worried about asking for her help like I may have been a stranger.

While I was waiting for her to pick me back up I was thinking on this. The fact that God led me to and through my biggest mistake of my life for this day. January 30, 2025. 

He sent me Michaela to be there in a difficult time. I just had to go through a little hard times years earlier to have the security I needed today. 

Unexpected

 As an artist I can't make pretty things when I'm not well mentally. 

But tonight I painted for the first time in years. 

I've struggled a lot this week. There's been sadness and stress. Anxiety and frustration and even some anger to be honest.

Yet right now I'm so calm. And I'm asking myself, did the art heal me? Or did I heal enough to be able to do the art? 

New Name, New Year, & Life Changes

 It's been awhile! I have tweaked the name of this blog to fit my new life. I've gone through tons is changes since my last post and I have many thoughts. Many things to say. So I'm going to try and be more consistent on here.

I hope to help others who are going through the same types of life changes and struggles. I hope you come along with me!

For dinner last night, I had a yogurt and two cheese sticks. Completely normal dinner for a 43 year-old empty-nest, divorcee right?

Well, it’s better than my normal dinners of eggrolls and Yum Yum sauce or chips and cheese dip -the ole reliable. I’m obsessed with cheese dip and chips honestly 

My diet is horrible 

My life is a mess 

Well, not so much my life as my emotional stability.

I’m a mess  lol

I’m not sure what else you would expect after ending a marriage of nearly 23 years. 

I’m making it. Depression sometimes pulls me under, but I always have a strong hold, my son.

I start seeing a new counselor tomorrow. I’m hopeful that she can take this mess and make a beautiful bouquet of flowers. 

Which leads me to my one little word for this year Bloom .

I plan to bloom 🌼

Because when life gives you fertilizer, what else can you do but plant flowers right? Haha

Like that metaphor ? 

The one thing that I think is the hardest when you come out of a marriage, that’s this long; aside from the fact that I spent my entire adult life with this person, it’s the unknown.

Not knowing what my future is. Not being able to see what my future will be. 

For some they might find that exciting but for me; It bugs the crap out of me honestly. Haha

You can get used to sleeping alone, even though it’s still hard.

You can stop missing that particular person overtime. You can get through these days that are totally different from days you’d been living. From what you've known.

But having no future that you can see, no plan past six months, a year, maybe two.

 It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing you have to take a step. But not knowing if you have a parachute in your backpack or if there’s a see-through Lucite bridge to walk across.

At least that’s how it is for me. Very scary, very unknown, very anxiety inducing. 

The one thing I’m certain of is whether I walk across this bridge or I land safely at the bottom of a ravine....whatever is there on the other side,

 it’s beautiful. 

Stress and Anxiety

I know i don't write often on this blog any more.
When it started it was a much needed outlet for my creativity.
Now I'm out-letting all over the internet. haha
I'm writing my next book and so when I do feel up to writing that gets
most of my attention.
I have my YouTube channel and the editing process of that can
bog me down.
But i felt the urge to blog today. There is a topic on my mind, Stress.

Most of you may not know this but i suffer from depression. It comes and goes.
But i have dealt with it since some where around my pre-teens.
I am very good at hiding it. Most who know my personally probably would not guess this.
I do not take medicine for it. I am good at powering through. I do use essential oils though.
They help. But I mostly use them for the anxiety.

Depression goes with what I wanted to talk about,
but this isn't just a post about depression.
Like i said I wanted to discuss Stress.

I am planning a cruise with my sister and my 2 best friends.
That sounds fun right? It is. But it can be stressful if you have a mental
illness too.
I have noticed in the last week that I am very emotional. I can cry at the drop of a hat if i let
myself. I have been trying to keep my emotions reigned in.
Because I do know that its stress related.

If you have a mental illness like me, and it is keeping you from enjoying
something like a fun trip, or a vacation, or just life in general, try to remind your self this:
LIFE IS MEANT TO BE LIVED. ITS MEANT TO BE FUN AND ENJOYABLE.

Try to push through. Remind yourself that life can get in the way if we let it.
We should all be happy. Regardless of your situation. Regardless of your fiances.
Just be happy. BE YOURSELF.
Push the Stress and Anxiety away. Push it out.
If you need to, do it physically.
Raise your hands, take a deep breath, exhale and push away from your body.
Send that negativity out away from you.
Put one foot forward and go from there.

Okay, Crystal you think that is going to fix me? Fix my life? Push the air away?

I admit, that may not "fix" you. Did saying that help my emotions? No.
But its a start. We have to start somewhere. And its a mind set.
Your mind set is everything. TRUST ME.
So just give it a try. I hope it helps you at least a little.


(p.s. Yes i know that sometimes I don't capitialize my i's..There is a reason for this.)

Reasons why NOT to live in the Big Brother house

As a big brother fan getting the chance to be on the show and win half a mill seems like a fun idea.
Buuuut (as Nicole would say), I have 5 reasons why you might NOT want to go for an extended stay in the ole BB house.

Reason #1
If your not big on touching.
They literally Hug after each ceremony. Lots of FRIENDSHIP going around with hugs several times a week. To opt out of a hug could, and does, throw a red flag. And that alone might get you sent packing.

Reason #2 If you aren't into sharing your things.
It is very common to see house guests wearing someone else's clothes or hats. I mean hey, you can't fit very many changes into those BB logo duffle bags. So choices get limited...unless you shop your neighbors bag..Roommate is closer to the correct word. But you get the gist.

Reason #3 If you enjoy tv or movies or video games...ie any thing remotely fun.
Forget staying up all night to enjoy the latest video game after standing in line for a midnight release. Your not leaving the house any time soon..If your lucky that is.
You are cut off from the outside world for the duration of your stay. There is also the fact that no where in that house will you find a tv.

Reason #4 If you enjoy privacy, this house ain't for you.
There are tons of camera's on you every second of every day. Yes, Even in the bathroom. Let me just say, If you haven't even let your momma see you undressed since you hit puberty, you should probably keep out of the big brother house.

And finally Reason #5 that you might NOT want to live in the big brother house is...If your not into drama..
Drama drama drama...it's why we all watch. Gotta see that drama.
If you were locked in a house with that many diverse personalities for the summer you might create a little drama just for kicks. Am I right?
So if drama just isn't your scene, go for a fun Summer on the sofa watching with the rest of us.

Cause hey, big brother is the best summer tv show!

Advice for aspiring writers?

Goodreads asked me this question and I wanted to do a post.
There was lots to say to the question of...
 What’s your advice for aspiring writers?
Firstly, You CAN do it!
You have to start somewhere. Don't be afraid. Just start writing. You may have to hide away that first work and hope no one ever see it, sure. But that is okay. Keep at it. Ask for help. But if writing is your passion, then write!
Be okay with bad reviews. Not every one likes the same things as you. So don't take it personally.
I have got a few bad reviews myself. Partly because I wasn't diligent.
I forgot to upload a revised version of my work, And there were some grammar problems.
But hey, it's fine. I am still alive. I still get great reviews.
Just know that there will always be those out there that need to say something bad.

So do NOT let this discourage you.
I have thought about writing for several years. Actually I began as a poet. I even have another blog where I used to upload my poetry. True story!
I started by trying to write my biography. FAILED!
Then I watched Twilight. 
Then I HAD to read Twilight, the entire series, in a WEEK. 
Yes it became an obsession! 
Because of that and hearing Stephenie Meyer's story, I decided I COULD DO THIS.
So I wrote a pree-teen story. FAILED!
I tried a book loosely based on my friend. (Her life cracks me up at times.) FAILED! 
But finally, I began Summer Under My Quilt, and I knew this time I was on the right track.
I had found my writing sweet spot, so to say.
Things took a few years to develop. 
By the time I published I had 2 others in progress and an idea to turn one into a series.
So, if you want it. JUST DO IT. As Nike loves to tell us.
It will come. But if you aspire to write. Write.   

You who?

Guys sometimes life can get in the way.

Things get hard.

People let you down. 

Money gets tight. Then tighter.

Kids grow up. They do their own thing.

Work has stresses. 

Your family needs food. Buy the food. cook the food.

Eventually it gets to be too much. 

You can loose yourself.

The things you once loved, lived for, become a memory.

Then your kid can be in the other room, but you realize..

You miss the crap out of them. They are so busy.

So are you. There's no time for hugs anymore.

It happens to us all. At some point. It does.

It's time to sit back. 

Take a deep breath if you need to.

Turn on the music of your past. 

Take a break. Cry it out. Or dance it out.

Whatever it is you do. 

Then try to move forward with a renewed sense of who you truly are.

Don't let life and the struggle it can become, change 

Who you are at the heart of it all.