Godwinks

 I had a Godwink today. I'm not sure if I've had one before. I probably have but today it was clear me.

I started a new councelor today. It was supposed to be last week but it was cancelled. 

With my disability I haven't driven in over 20 years. It's been becoming something that I'm not happy about. But I'm also independent even if I can't be sometimes, I wanna be.

So I've been putting off riding a Kats bus or a med ride. But I also really don't want to inconvenience anyone. So I finally set up a med ride. Last week I was very nervous. Was having lots of anxiety about it. 

Today wasn't as bad with the anxiety. But when the time came my driver was a sweet girl who was very helpful. Then she asked me if I used to date a certain someone in highschool. 

I chuckled darkly and said, "oh my gosh, yes I did." This person she asked me about I have referred to as the biggest mistake of my life. I have said it several times over the last few months. 

I've been trying to better myself and when doing so you look back at your past and see ways you've chosen wrong. You know, in hopes of not repeating bad patterns. 

Anyway, so the young lady then tells me, he's my brother. Oh! "What was your name again?" I asked. And sure enough I remember her well. I spent a lot of time with her family. And she was usually close by whenever I was there. She was only about 6 years old then and she remembers me as well. 

I was greatful that it was her giving me this first ride. She was very helpful and I wasn't worried about asking for her help like I may have been a stranger.

While I was waiting for her to pick me back up I was thinking on this. The fact that God led me to and through my biggest mistake of my life for this day. January 30, 2025. 

He sent me Michaela to be there in a difficult time. I just had to go through a little hard times years earlier to have the security I needed today. 

Unexpected

 As an artist I can't make pretty things when I'm not well mentally. 

But tonight I painted for the first time in years. 

I've struggled a lot this week. There's been sadness and stress. Anxiety and frustration and even some anger to be honest.

Yet right now I'm so calm. And I'm asking myself, did the art heal me? Or did I heal enough to be able to do the art? 

New Name, New Year, & Life Changes

 It's been awhile! I have tweaked the name of this blog to fit my new life. I've gone through tons is changes since my last post and I have many thoughts. Many things to say. So I'm going to try and be more consistent on here.

I hope to help others who are going through the same types of life changes and struggles. I hope you come along with me!

For dinner last night, I had a yogurt and two cheese sticks. Completely normal dinner for a 43 year-old empty-nest, divorcee right?

Well, it’s better than my normal dinners of eggrolls and Yum Yum sauce or chips and cheese dip -the ole reliable. I’m obsessed with cheese dip and chips honestly 

My diet is horrible 

My life is a mess 

Well, not so much my life as my emotional stability.

I’m a mess  lol

I’m not sure what else you would expect after ending a marriage of nearly 23 years. 

I’m making it. Depression sometimes pulls me under, but I always have a strong hold, my son.

I start seeing a new counselor tomorrow. I’m hopeful that she can take this mess and make a beautiful bouquet of flowers. 

Which leads me to my one little word for this year Bloom .

I plan to bloom 🌼

Because when life gives you fertilizer, what else can you do but plant flowers right? Haha

Like that metaphor ? 

The one thing that I think is the hardest when you come out of a marriage, that’s this long; aside from the fact that I spent my entire adult life with this person, it’s the unknown.

Not knowing what my future is. Not being able to see what my future will be. 

For some they might find that exciting but for me; It bugs the crap out of me honestly. Haha

You can get used to sleeping alone, even though it’s still hard.

You can stop missing that particular person overtime. You can get through these days that are totally different from days you’d been living. From what you've known.

But having no future that you can see, no plan past six months, a year, maybe two.

 It’s like standing on the edge of a cliff, knowing you have to take a step. But not knowing if you have a parachute in your backpack or if there’s a see-through Lucite bridge to walk across.

At least that’s how it is for me. Very scary, very unknown, very anxiety inducing. 

The one thing I’m certain of is whether I walk across this bridge or I land safely at the bottom of a ravine....whatever is there on the other side,

 it’s beautiful.